I was told by my radiologist that technically my remission date is the date of my surgery, since the cancer was removed during the mastectomies. This was exciting news, however a bit disappointing since I definitely didn’t feel like I was in remission as I was going through the preventative steps of chemo & radiation.  Not to mention, she was telling me that I had been in remission for months already & I had not known or even celebrated?!  Once radiation was completed I felt more convinced of the remission & it finally felt appropriate to celebrate.

Celebrating remission however is a delicate thing…. Once you’ve been diagnosed & undergone treatment, being in remission almost feels too good to be true. While I want to celebrate & shout it from the roof tops, it’s also extremely scary because the fear of cancer returning is inevitable.  I don’t want to tempt fate by celebrating too loudly!  Same feelings I had each time I learned I was pregnant.  I was so excited & wanted to tell everyone but the fear of something going wrong, especially within the standard first three months prevented me from doing so.

Before cancer, I went through life dismissing every little ache & pain, assuming it was nothing. Now, every ache or twinge of pain is concerning.  Being the positive person that I am, I don’t want to spend my time worrying, but have to admit I’ve had some concerns in the last few months for random things I would have easily dismissed in the past.  I currently keep an ongoing list to mention to my oncologist at my next follow up.  I don’t want her to think I’m a hypochondriac, but I also don’t want to overlook anything now that may be of importance later.

While I used to really look forward to all of my appointments & I do still enjoy my doctors, they are all wonderful & such a pleasure to meet with each time. But I think when I was actively treating the cancer, those appointments represented hope & progress to me.  Now they feel a bit more like potential for impending doom….  Don’t get me wrong, I’m maintaining my positivity, but those appointments have lost some of their appeal, which has been replaced with an understandable level of fear.

Aside from the fear of celebrating remission fully & thinking too much into any new pain, I’m still experiencing bouts of fatigue, especially since returning to work full time. Life can be exhausting!  Being back to work while still doing the mom-ing & the wife-ing, as I like to call it, is a definite challenge.  On top of those things, I’m trying to keep up with my blog & failing miserably at that… so slow to post these days, sorry guys!  As well as attempting to keep up with all of my social media accounts & the many fellow cancer warriors who I’ve come to know & love so dearly!

And if the working, mom-ing, wife-ing & blogging wasn’t enough, I’ve begun running a minimum of two miles each night. There are so many reasons & it’s really helping to get my energy levels back up.  First & foremost I don’t want to take my health for granted ever again.  I feel blessed to be well enough to exercise, so that’s exactly what I will do.  Second, through my reconstruction I received a tummy tuck (Making My Decision to have TRAM flap procedure) & I would like nothing more than to have the rest of my old body (meh..) match my nice new flat tummy.  I’m getting there slowly but surely.  Third, I’m on hormone therapy for the next ten years (unless I change my mind on that…) this medication I’m told causes on average 20lbs weight gain!!!  What?!?!  So I’m trying my best to prevent that from happening as well!  And last but certainly not least, the hormone therapy can also cause blood clots so I want to make sure I’m being as active as possible to better reduce that risk.

My timing for returning to work really couldn’t have been more difficult. I returned in early November, just in time to attempt to simultaneously adjust to working full time again while dealing with Thanksgiving, followed by kids’ Christmas parties & programs, preparing for the holidays & festivities ahead, having family in from out of town & going out of town to visit family….  As fun as all of it was, I honestly thought the holidays may kill me & I’ve never been so happy to put that time behind me as I was this year.

There were days after returning to work I felt like a zombie, even carrying on a normal conversation could be challenging at times. I was just so tired, my brain felt mushy & my own thoughts could even be difficult to comprehend.  I would try to say one thing but then something completely different would be coming out of my mouth!  Seriously crazy stuff, made me feel like I might be losing my mind at times.  I’m so thankful that my husband is an understanding man & on days when this girl needs to go home & lay down, he is willing to take care of the kids & handle my mom-ing duties for the evening.  Lucky for him I’m a trooper so those days are few & far between, but at least I know I have him to depend on & vice versa of course.

Overall remission is amazing! Nothing is better than being cancer free & being healthy enough to return to daily life.  It is however a major adjustment after so much time spent in treatment & recovery.  It takes time & we have to be understanding of ourselves & hope that those around us can be understanding as well.

I’ve changed a lot over the last year, physically, mentally & emotionally. I’m stronger than I have ever been, I feel like I could take on pretty much anything at this point & that’s an amazing feeling.  I beat cancer, so bring it on world… let’s see what else you’ve got store for me.  I’m ready for it!