After nearly a week in the hospital following surgery, I was more than ready to be home.  Initially my husband & I had planned for our children to visit me in the hospital.  However, after seeing the number of tubes, monitors & machines I was hooked up to, we decided they may worry more seeing their mom like that.  I had never been away from my children more than a night previously, so this was extremely difficult for me & I missed them tremendously.

My husband gained a newfound appreciation for me as well.  My kids probably lived on fast food & EZ Mac for the week, I don’t ask, it’s probably better I don’t know.  Our daughter told me that dad allowed dessert with dinner while mom was gone, mmm hmm…  She also learned to appreciate my ponytails, because dad apparently didn’t do them right.  It was good to be appreciated & know I was missed as much as I missed them.

Once I was home, recovery in my opinion wasn’t actually all that bad.  It was uncomfortable & my movement was restricted, but having had two C-sections previously, I was accustomed to abdominal surgery.  Chest trauma was new however & there were times I felt like a truck was parked on my chest.  I learned quickly, when I attempted too much one day, I would pay for it the next in my pain level.  The pain was however manageable with medication & day by day things got easier as I continued to heal.

My mom was able to stay with us for two weeks following surgery.  She was a great help with my moral support, making meals, helping with the kids, running to the store, & bringing me to appointments.  The kids thought having grandma over was great & it was a good distraction for them as well.

The most difficult part I think, for me was sleeping.  After having major surgery on both breasts & the abdomen, the only option was to sleep on my back.  The first few nights home, I opted to sleep in a recliner, as I had done after having both of our children.  It makes getting up & down after abdominal surgery much less painful, which was great but you can only sleep in a recliner for so long & I was really looking forward to the comfort of my bed again.

Once I transitioned back to bed, having always been a side or tummy sleeper, I found all I could do was stare at the ceiling.  Always worried I was keeping my husband awake who had to get up for work the next morning.  I’d eventually get up to watch an old movie or email a friend instead.  In time I adjusted, or maybe eventually became exhausted enough to make sleep unavoidable.  Even now I occasionally find myself sleeping on my back when I no longer need to.

A week after being home, I had follow up appointments & more tests.  This was where I would start to get the next set of answers I needed so desperately.  I knew the cancer had been removed from my breasts; all breast tissue had been removed.  They removed 15 lymph nodes, of which three had been found to be cancerous.  While I fought not to worry, the fear that the cancer had spread was inevitable.  I worried if it had been in my body for an estimation of two years, was it long enough for it to travel elsewhere?

My cancer was staged as 2B & was found to be growing at a medium rate, not slow, not fast.  My oncologist discussed my treatment plan now that surgery was completed.  I would begin with eight rounds of chemotherapy, followed by five weeks of radiation & finally hormone therapy for 10 years following.

Following my appointments, I had a CT scan & a bone scan to search for any potential spread of the cancer.  Those were some scary tests, I have to admit.  The CT scan is loud & obnoxious.  The first few scans are a little intimidating but I adjusted to the sound shortly after & it seemed to go quickly after that.

Unlike the CT scan, the bone scan was basically quite.  But for me the silence was deafening, leaving me to hear only my thoughts which I fought to keep positive.  Meanwhile the technician operates the scans through a window from another room, safely away from the radiation… that’s pointed directly at me!  Not exactly comforting, but I tried to maintain positivity & think about good results, no cancer in my bones, no more cancer!

Over the next couple of days I tried hard not to worry about the results.  If it had come back as bad news, I didn’t want to have wasted the last few days before knowing, on worry.  If it came back as good news, I would have spent the time worrying for no reason at all.  With this in mind I was able to dismiss worrisome thoughts for the most part.  I tried to keep myself & my mind busy, anything to keep from worrying about what may or may not be.

I was very grateful to receive the call just two days later.  We were more than relieved to learn that the scans appeared clear other than some standard looking stuff.  These scans now provide a baseline to compare with future scans & will indicate any potential growth or concern as we continue to monitor for the rest of my life.

I’ll continue to hope for the best results & avoid unnecessary worry that will never change a bad result regardless.  I will do my best to keep myself & my family as healthy as we can be.  I have a lot to live for & I will not let this bring me down, I am stronger than my cancer.